I'm Tired of Being Sad - Spilling the Tea on My Mental Health & Starting My Happiness Project

As I have briefly mentioned before, I struggle with anxiety and depression.

For some reason this admittance tends to surprise people, since, as they say, I always

seem so happy and positive, but I guess I must have just gotten really good at hiding it.

However, I'm tired of hiding it. I am no longer ashamed of my mental health struggles.

They are a huge part of me and have helped shape me into the person I am today whether I like it or not.

Now I want to say that I am not writing this article or sharing the YouTube video below

for sympathy or to make people worry about me. Instead I am using this as a form of therapy for

me since it is allowing me to talk it all out and I am also hoping that maybe, with my

story, I can bring those struggling some comfort during the tough times filled with

pain that seems like it will never end. Or maybe even the inspiration to make the

changes necessary to not only keep going, but finally pull themselves out of

the darkness and towards happiness. I said at the start of this year that it is no

longer about only surviving, but thriving so that is what we have to do!

It can and will get better even when you really don't see how and it won't be

easy, but I know you can do it just like I know I can do it too. So if you are ready

to take the next steps with me, scroll on down to read more. 

.

Why I Needed To Make a Change

.

*CONTENT WARNING* This post contains mention of loss, self-harm, and suicide so please take caution when reading.

.

Now while I have struggled with both anxiety and depression for quite some time, I feel

like they have really been kicked into overdrive throughout the last 5 years.

I was no longer only having those good long cry sessions in the shower from time

to time as we all do. Instead my crying seemed to never end with tears filling my eyes almost

every day and I got really well acquainted with my bathroom floor. I found myself wishing I could

pack up and leave everyone and everything behind and be completely alone. Wishing

I never knew or had anyone. I was having anxiety attacks at least once a week where

I couldn't breath and would almost pass out. I didn't want to work on the blog and

my creativity was at an all time low which frustrated me even more. I thought about

suicide every single day, multiple times a day, and tried to finally end the pain 3 separate

times within these past 5 years. I remember staring at the handful of pills that I had

painstakingly counted out after Googling how many milligrams it would take ignoring

the suicide hotline number that popped up when I did. I remember shaking, with my head

screaming at me in pain because I had cried so hard on my bathroom floor that I had

given myself a migraine, while staring at all the pill bottles on the counter. I remember sliding

down to my kitchen floor while making dinner with a never ending waterfall of tears streaming

down my face and then taking the dirty kitchen knife in my hand that I was using to cut

potatoes and running it across my wrist hoping it would be enough. But each time it

wasn't. Nothing I did was enough and after each attempt I felt like an even bigger

failure thinking "Go figure….I can't even do this right" or "Amy, you are so pathetic

for not being stronger. What an idiot."

.

A couple months passed after the 3rd attempt before I was ready to try again, but this

time was going to be different. I had a plan, I had a day, I had a note, and I had a

sure fire way to succeed, but then someone close to me lost their sister to suicide 3

days before I planned to do mine. 3 measly days. At first I was pissed. How dare she

do that. How was I supposed to go through with mine so soon after hers? How dare she make

me wait and how dare she take that moment away from me. But then I saw the devastation

that her suicide caused her family. It reminded me that even though my mind made me

believe no one would miss me that that was far from the truth and if I truly loved my family and

friends I couldn't put them through what I saw her family going through. It was heartbreaking

to see and so I decided that if I didn't want to stay for me then I at least had to stay for them.

.

So that's what I did. I stayed and tried my best to focus on getting better. I threw myself into

the blog and spent more time with friends and family. I started reading self help books

and watching self help videos on TikTok and YouTube. I tried to be better in my faith

and prayed to God and Mary to help me find the strength to make it through. I pushed

myself to do things even when all I wanted was to lay in bed all day crying and drowning

in my thoughts. Eventually all of these things helped and I felt myself doing better. 

.

Unfortunately, while these things did help, it didn’t last and I found myself once again

falling into the darkness a few months later. However, this time, it was different. My

anxiety really took the reins this time around. I was yelling at people I had never yelled

at before. I was having anxiety attacks every single day with some being so bad I couldn't

breathe or function. I stopped eating and lost over 10lbs in a week. I felt like a total psychopath

and after about three months of dealing with that I hit my limit. I was just purely exhausted

and it was an exhaustion unlike anything I had felt before. I was just mentally, physically, and

emotionally done. I had zero fight left and I knew I needed a change and I needed it now.  

.

So to try and get through I returned to what had helped in the past and started

reading self-help books again, one of which was The Happiness Project by Gretche

Rubin. This book had been sitting on my TBR shelf for years and now I wish I would have

read it sooner. It was exactly what I needed. It forced me to take a look at my life and

make some necessary changes by inspiring me to start my own Happiness Project in the hopes

of finding a girl I haven't seen in well over 10 years, happy Amy. So I am very excited to

share with y’all my plans for this happiness project of mine (some of which I have

already implemented and have seen make a HUGE difference in my life) so keep reading

to see them for yourself or watch my YouTube video where I lay it all out in wonderful true crime red line fashion. 

.

My Happiness Project

.

So in her book Gretchen spends a year researching happiness and the different

ways someone can go about finding true happiness. She designates a specific

goal to work on for each month of the year and then writes about the different

ways she tries to achieve that goal and if she actually felt happier after trying

it out. So like Gretchen I have created some goals that I want to focus on

for my happiness project for the next year and I have listed them out below in no particular order

for you to check out! (As I mentioned these are lined out in my YouTube video

if you don't feel like reading.)

.

Goal #1: Gain Control

• I want to feel like I actually have my life together

  • Create routines

  • Form organizational systems

  • Declutter the house (less things that don’t make me happy)

  • Create a master to-do list with EVERYTHING I want to get done

.

Goal #2: Increase Energy

• Don’t want to feel tired 24/7

  • Workout consistently (5-6 days a week)

  • Drink more water

  • Eat healthier

  • Get enough sleep

  • Act more energized - I don't know....It was in the book. lol

.

Goal #3: Financial Freedom

• Tired of living paycheck to paycheck

  • Utilize Dave Ramsey tips and steps

  • Pay off debts

  • Budget more effectively

.

Goal #4: Build My Empire

• Make the blog, YouTube, and The Everyday Look my full time career

  • Reach 1000 followers on Instagram 

  • Have at least $500 in sales each month with The Everyday Look

  • Reach 100 subscribers on YouTube

  • Reach out to brands/companies for collaborations

.

Goal #5: Suck Out the Venom

• Identify and remove any & all toxic things including personal behaviors, thoughts, and relationships 

  • Know and recognize my own worth and stop basing it off what others think - especially men

  • Romantic relationship pain is no longer worth my time

  • Make time to pursue passions outside of the empire (such as reading)

.

Goal #6: Strengthen Relationships

• Become closer to those I love & make them feel loved

  • Stay in touch with friends and family better

  • Rebuild with God

.

Goal #7: Slow Down

• Enjoy the process and where I am at now

  • Celebrate little moments and accomplishments

  • Stop always looking for the next thing

  • Be mindful and listen to others with intent

  • Dance in the kitchen

  • Practice gratitude

  • Spend more time with the furbabies

.

Moving Forward

.

So that is my happiness project in a nutshell. I plan on writing more articles and

posting YouTube videos during my journey so you guys can follow along if you

want. Also if you are struggling with mental health

I hope my story and my happiness project can inspire you to get the help you

need, try to better yourself, and maybe even start your own happiness project.

Mental health is extremely important and you are not broken or weak if you

need to ask for help. It is time to start ignoring the stigma and put yourself

first because you are the only life long commitment you will ever have and

your heart is the only one you will have for life. You need to protect it and

recognize that you are enough, you deserve the best, you are

loved, and your life is important. 

.

.

.

.